Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Guys, I found it.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*