If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
FRED: right
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?