My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
You Might Also Like
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.