ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶