I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You Might Also Like
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
👾👾👾
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.