I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.