[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
The Friday File.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no