I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!