There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The future is now.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.