“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
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{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Has science gone too far?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Best table by far
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”