[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
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After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom