nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am