[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Brilliant!
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I saw nothing
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…