I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
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My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.