Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I am having an out of money experience.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
all that yoga finally paid off
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
WTF IS AN ACRONYM