My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
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Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE