Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.