[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
they should invent a hydrating liquor
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I can’t deal with men any longer
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*bites zombie*