Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You Might Also Like
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day