@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
That’s fair
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion