SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead