i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
#damn
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I never know how much to tip a cow.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god