wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
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Me, scrolling to find my birth year
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?