A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
What fresh Hell is this?!?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.