[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”