call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.