Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

Big Sex has us all fooled

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?