Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
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When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I’m not lazy
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
#merica
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
love it when they get my name right
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.