5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.