Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
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[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I didn’t realize that was an option
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
how to have an accident 101
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I hate my earbuds.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
When you can’t find your friend Neil
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.