All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”