Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
You Might Also Like
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
quarantine day 3
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
any last words?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?