A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Florida be like…
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Oceanography is all about current events
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”