Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Husband of the year 😂
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.