I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds