i dont have time for this
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Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms