him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.