ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.