Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
nobody’s gonna understand
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.