the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Miscakes
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
meow
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google