Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
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You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I just love that new Pope smell.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Me too
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Is this the real life?
Is this just
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.