waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
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My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
This is my pinned tweet
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon