1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Not my job 😂
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.