I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
fly smarter, not harder
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.