NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
You Might Also Like
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Called it
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
(more comics:
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely