mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life