[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
nyc:
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.