[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?