Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
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Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I’m tired tomorrow.
who wants to go expliring
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!