How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.